Scarred Souls: Second Collection Read online

  Scarred Souls

  Second Collection

  TT Kove

  Scarred Souls: Second Collection © TT Kove

  Published by Arctic Circle Press

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission, except for in the purpose of reviews.

  This book is a work of fiction and as such all characters and situations are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual people, place, or events is coincidental.

  Scarred Souls is set in London, UK, and as such uses British English throughout.

  Copyright © 2015-2019 by TT Kove

  Contents

  About

  19. Compromises

  20. Not Even Close to Normal

  21. Scarred Love

  22. Two Year Anniversary

  23. Bad News

  24. Bodily Harm

  25. Open Wounds

  26. Third Anniversary

  27. No Remorse

  28. Uncertain Future

  29. Waiting Game

  30. Two Nights

  31. Summer Holiday

  32. Losing Grip

  33. Splintered Reality

  34. Guilty as Charged

  35. Crying Game

  36. Damaged Mind

  37. Bloody Confessions

  38. Nothing Will Ever Be the Same

  39. Scarred Ones

  What now?

  Scarred Souls

  About the Author

  About

  Can two scarred souls make each other whole?

  All I’ve ever wanted is someone to love me for me; without caring about my past or my scars or my personality disorder. But since I’m scarred both inside and out, used and abused by the person who was supposed to protect me, who can ever look past my exterior to see what’s underneath?

  19

  Compromises

  Josh

  ‘Who’re you texting?’ Chad dropped down on the bench next to me, licking the sides of his ice cream so it didn’t melt and run down over his fingers.

  ‘Damian.’ I clicked send and shut the screen off. ‘He’s off soon, I think. He said he wouldn’t be longer than three, tops.’

  ‘Missing him already?’ He grinned. ‘Think about it like this; today’s his last day at school, and now you’ve got the entire summer to get tired of him.’

  I snorted. ‘I won’t get tired of him. He might get tired of me though.’

  ‘That’s pretty pessimistic of you. He’s kept up with you for two years soon, after all.’

  ‘Gee, thanks.’

  ‘Hey, if my men can keep up with me and my never-ending rapid-cycling, I’m sure you’re a walk in the park.’ He said this off-handedly, like it was no business of his they never managed to get his bipolar disorder under control. I knew he struggled with it though, but I wasn’t going to go down that particular rabbit hole today. Not out in public. ‘Speaking of a walk, want to move on?’

  ‘Where to?’ We didn’t have any particular plans. We’d just decided to meet up and kill some time until our respective boyfriends were off from work and school. In his case, two boyfriends.

  ‘I need to buy a dildo.’

  If I’d been drinking, I’d be spitting it out like you always saw people do in comedies.

  ‘Why—what for?’ He had two men in his bed. Whatever would he need a dildo for?

  He shrugged.

  ‘I have a higher sex drive than them. Especially when I’m manic. Better to go to town with a dildo than go out and find someone random and willing, yeah?’

  I blinked.

  ‘Have you done that?’

  ‘Gone on the pull when I’m manic and hypersexual? Sure. Before I got diagnosed though. I haven’t cheated on Dion and Jer, if that’s what you’re thinking.’

  That was what I’d been thinking.

  ‘I’ve come close though.’

  I turned to look at him. He’d finished his ice-cream now.

  ‘Really?’

  He nodded.

  ‘It wasn’t pretty. Thankfully I was too fucked to actually go through with it.’

  ‘Drunk or drugs?’

  He chuckled bitterly.

  ‘Neither. I was hallucinating. He thought I was tripping though, so he vanished. All was well. Sort of.’ He jumped to his feet. ‘Anyway. Wanna come with?’

  I’d never been to a sex shop before—and I had to admit I was curious.

  ‘Okay. Lets go.’

  Damian

  Wherever I turned lately, there it was; sex. Sex, sex, sex. It was like the entire universe was against me—or plotting against me, anyway. Like it was trying to nudge me in the right direction.

  That was, the right direction for most other people, but a direction that had never been right for me.

  On the last day of my second year in school, my classmates were chatting around me as we all packed our stuff. We wouldn’t be back until the Autumn term started in September.

  ‘What’s your plans for the summer?’ the girl in front of me asked the one sitting next to her.

  ‘Ahh, I plan on spending a lot of time with my boyfriend,’ she said, stretching and grinning. ‘I’ve been neglecting him ever since we started cramming for exams. I think he feels lonely. He’s getting something tonight, that’s for sure.’

  Getting something…

  I stuffed my pencil case into my rucksack.

  ‘You’re so lucky to have a boyfriend,’ the other girl nearly whispered, leaning in closer. ‘You can get a shag whenever you want to. I have to go out on the pull if I want some action and it’s such a drag.’

  ‘Find yourself a boyfriend, then you’ll have a steady stream of sex too!’

  I slung my rucksack over my shoulder and left.

  Was it that easy for some people? Just find someone to be with so they could have sex every day? Or just go out on the pull and have sex with strangers?

  I grimaced, not even able to picture the latter scenario.

  Then again, many people I knew had started out as one-offs. My best friend had shagged his boyfriend before they got together. Before he even knew him. My aunt’s sister, who I’d grown up with, had new boyfriends and girlfriends all the time.

  What was so great about sex anyway?

  Bloody hell. Stop thinking about it.

  I turned my phone on to see if Josh had texted me. He had.

  Josh: I’m in Soho Square Gardens with Chad. Come along when you’re done!

  Josh: No, actually, we moved on. Take the tube to Leicester Square or Piccadilly Circus when you’re done and we’ll meet up.

  Josh: Piccadilly Circus is closer actually, if that works out for you!

  All right then. The tube station it was.

  It was nice that Josh was out and about, even if it was with Chad. In August, it would be two years since we’d met. He’d had a hard time ever since, but lately he’d seemed better than I’d ever seen him.

  He’d stopped cutting—for the time being, I didn’t delude myself into thinking he’d stopped completely—and he spent a lot of time outside the flat with his various friends.

  Friendships I had no idea how he’d managed to make and that he’d somehow dragged me into as well.

  I checked the map, went to the appropriate platform, and waited for my line to arrive. People crowded around me and I tried my best to shrink back against the wall, invisible. I wasn’t much of a people person, after all.

  The tube arrived and I piled on, standing close to the door since all seats were already taken.

  A whole summer ahead, no school, some work.

  I’d definitely spend most of my free time with Josh. I was always so busy during the school-year, while he
spent most days at home. Lately he’d been writing a lot—he’d started an online blog and he’d got in the habit of writing semi-biographical short stories—and hanging out with friends, but he was my boyfriend. I’d give him the attention he deserved this summer.

  Josh

  Chad was like a kid in a candy-shop, and honestly… had I been having regular sex, I would be too. There was just so much stuff.

  Lube and condoms in all kinds of flavours, cock rings and handcuffs and erotic games and films. Dildos and vibrators in all shapes and colours and sizes. There were BDSM gear—not that I had any interest in that, I’d had enough pain to last me a life-time. But it was still fascinating, in an odd sort of way.

  There were things for… pony-play and puppy-play and all kinds of play.

  ‘You need one of these.’

  I turned at Chad’s voice to find him standing in front of a wall of dildos.

  ‘I do?’

  ‘Yeah, unless you’ve magically started having sex with your guy since last we spoke of it.’ He made a sweeping motion at the wall. ‘Come on, there’s quite a pick here. Whatever you like. Big dicks, small dicks, limp dicks.’ He touched one of the latter ones. ‘Hah, squishy that one.’

  I slowly stepped up to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him. The wall of different dildos were strange and fascinating and yes, maybe I should get one for myself.

  I suddenly got all giddy by the simple thought.

  ‘Nothing too fancy though,’ I warned him.

  ‘How long since you’ve had sex?’ He looked at me funnily.

  ‘Before I met Damian. Before I was hospitalised that summer, I think.’ I couldn’t actually remember who I’d last slept with. It’d been some random guy, in a random toilet while I was drunk.

  He blew out a breath.

  ‘So basically two years then. Wow. That is—unreal.’

  ‘Yeah, well…’ Mostly I was okay with the whole no-sex thing, but I had bouts of longing too. After Chad, while manic, assaulted me last year, I’d agreed to Damian’s no-sex-ever policy. We hadn’t discussed it since, and that was over a year ago now.

  ‘It’s not the same as a real one, but it’ll do the deed.’ Chad took a flesh-coloured one down. ‘5 and a half inches, this, perfectly average. What size’s your man?’

  I gave him a wide-eyed stare.

  ‘I don’t know that.’

  He snorted.

  ‘What kind of weird relationship do the two of you have?’

  ‘Something that works for us.’ I took the dildo from him to study it. ‘This one doesn’t have balls. I want one with balls.’

  Chad all-out laughed.

  ‘Here then.’ He threw another one at me. ‘Balls and suction cup, if that’s your thing.’

  I didn’t really have a preference when it came to suction cups, but I reckoned it could be useful. When and where I’d use a dildo was beyond me—likely when Damian was at school—but it would be nice to at least have the chance.

  ‘I’m gonna get a bigger one.’ He took down a darker one, and like he’d said, bigger than the one I held.

  ‘Isn’t that a little… big?’ I asked dubiously.

  He waggled the thing at me playfully.

  ‘I’ve got two guys who occasionally likes to participate in some pretty awesome double-penetration. This’ll work wonders as foreplay.’

  An image popped into my head. An image I could’ve done very well without.

  ‘TMI, Chad. TMI,’ I murmured.

  He wasn’t repentant at all.

  ‘We need lube too if we’re using these two bad boys. Lots and lots of lube.’ He walked over the quite extensive selection. ‘I need more lube, anyway, so I’m going to stock up right now so I don’t have to buy any for some time.’

  ‘You guys use a lot of lube?’ I asked, then instantly regretted asking. I’d likely get another TMI answer—he liked to embarrass me, after all.

  ‘Oh yeah. Although I’m the only one getting fucked up the arse, we tend to go through a tube of lube quite quickly.’ He grabbed several tubes. ‘Do you need condoms?’

  ‘What would I need those for?’ I wasn’t having sex with anyone.

  ‘Well, you’re not going to share it, so maybe you don’t need them. Unless you want to preserve it. I don’t know.’ He bypassed the condoms all together, so he wasn’t about to take his own advice.

  ‘Damian’ll likely be here soon.’

  My phone pinged just as I said it—and it was Damian, all right. He’d just exited the tube and I quickly typed out directions. I carefully left out exactly which shop we were in, as I wasn’t sure how he’d feel about a sex shop.

  ‘Better hurry up before he gets here.’

  Chad rolled his eyes.

  ‘He can’t handle a sex shop? Does he have a phobia against sex or what?’

  I didn’t dignify that with an answer. I’d already told him Damian was asexual. He knew it perfectly well. It was just such a foreign concept for him who had a high sex drive on a regular day, and a hypersexual one on a manic day.

  ‘I just don’t want things to get awkward,’ I offered quietly. And it would get awkward if Damian had to come in here. This was probably his worst nightmare.

  ‘You’ve pandered to his needs for almost two years.’ He cast me a wry look as he headed for the till. ‘Shouldn’t he take yours into account a little? It’s selfish, isn’t it?’

  ‘No, it’s not.’ I didn’t think it was. I’d agreed to keep things sexless. I was happy. Just a little bit sexually frustrated at times—but then that was to be expected when I craved sex, whereas he didn’t. We weren’t compatible in that department, but we were great together otherwise.

  ‘Come on.’ I hurried over to the till. ‘Let’s buy our stuff and get out of here.’

  Damian

  I texted Josh as I walked out of Piccadilly Station. He answered immediately and I followed his directions until I found myself outside of… a sex shop. I stared up at the sign glumly.

  I’m not going in there.

  There was a doll in the window wearing some kind of black leather kink costume, and a few porn DVDs were lined up, along with some books. There were handcuffs too and… dildos and… other stuff I didn’t even know what was and wasn’t about to look at long enough to try and figure it out.

  The door jingled as it opened and Josh and Chad spilled out, laughing. Chad had a plastic bag, clearly from this same shop, while Josh… didn’t. Thankfully. He did have a shoulder-bag though, but that wasn’t unusual. He usually brought a notebook or two with him whenever he went out—not to mention his iPad.

  ‘Hey,’ I said, more sullenly than I wanted to.

  ‘Damian!’ Josh turned to me, still smiling, face bright and open. He looked good like that, younger and more carefree. Like he wasn’t still struggling with a debilitating mental illness and the aftereffects of a horrible childhood.

  ‘You want to buy something?’ Chad asked, pointing back at the door.

  ‘No,’ I answered quickly, because seriously. No. I wasn’t stepping foot in that bloody shop.

  ‘Chad’s been stocking up,’ Josh chuckled. It was almost a snigger.

  Stocking up?

  On what?

  Considering the shop they’d just come out of he could’ve stocked up on a lot of things.

  I decided not to ask.

  ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘To Harriet’s?’ Josh glanced between Chad and me. ‘I’m starving.’

  That sounded good to me. I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

  ‘Yeah, sure.’ Chad stretched one arm up. He wore a T-shirt, arms on display. He had a tattoo of a triangle on one forearm—symbolism for the threesome relationship he was in, according to Josh. He had some writing too, but I’d never bothered to get close enough to Chad to read it.

  Chad was… well, he wasn’t my type of person. He was too out-there, too open for my liking. How Josh could be comfortable around him, considering how the first time he met him Chad sexual
ly assaulted him in the midst of mania, I had no idea.

  I knew, rationally, it wasn’t Chad’s fault he was bipolar and he couldn’t be held responsible for his actions when the mania manifested, but… He’d sexually assaulted Josh and threatened Leslie with a knife and that was just… hard to stomach.

  What if that happened again? I knew he was unstable, that even medication didn’t keep his bipolar in check. It was rapid cycling, switching back and forth constantly. He’d been hospitalised more times in the last year than Josh had been since he was fifteen.

  ‘You had a good day?’ I asked Josh. He’d been asleep when I left for school this morning, so I hadn’t been able to gauge his mood before we parted ways.

  ‘Yeah.’ He smiled, eyes crinkling, lips tilted upwards. He seemed so… carefree. It wasn’t often he looked like this.

  I smiled myself.

  ‘That’s good.’

  Chad looked at me from Josh’s other side.

  I turned my head back to face forwards.

  Why’s he looking at me like that?

  It’s not like we’re friends.

  I tolerated him for Josh, who’d grown close to him despite their disastrous first meeting.

  I, on the other hand, couldn’t forget the look on Josh’s face that day last year… and the way he held the knife towards Leslie. The way he fought when I tried to take it from him. The way he screamed when the ambulance crew strapped him on a stretcher to take him away.

  Not to mention the other episode, when he’d kicked me in the balls. That had not been a fun experience.